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Mummy, The
Talos the Mummy Reviewed By the Grinch Posted 10/07/99 18:05:41

"'Lethal linen? More like dirty laundry!'" (Total Crap)

Okay, one question. HOW FREAKIN HARD IS IT TO MAKE A GOOD MUMMY MOVIE!? If they're so intent on releasing GOOFY mummy flicks, why don't they just go ahead and release "I Married a Mummy", or cast a movie where archaelogists discover a sarcophagus, they open it, and out comes Billy Mumy carrying a horrible plague with him: One of his scripts.Russel Mulcahy, how is thy movie like a Dirt Devil(tm) vacuum seton full power? Let me count the ways... Note-there will be an occasional spoiler or two...but I doubt I could ruin this for anyone! Now, let me get Dave Letterman in here to introduce my top 10 style list...Dave?Dave Letterman: "Haw haw, from our home office in Walla Walla, Washington, the top 10 things about 'Tale of the Mummy' that put holes in the plot bigger than the gap between my teeth!"Number 10: Attention Deficit Disorder attacks directors, film at 11! and 11:15, and 11:25, and midnight, and ooh, I love midnight, that's the witching hour yknow, when witches come out to twirl broomsticks and bedknobs in their anus, do you like Halloween, I do, except for those candy corns, they get stuck in my teeth, then I have to borrow my Grandpa's waterpick, and he hasn't changed the water since Truman was president, Truman had weird skin, OH, I went to a dermatologist once, he told me I looked just like a topographical map of an army testing ground, has that happened to you, and...where was I?Number 9, erp, number 9, erp, number 9,erp...Sorry, NUMBER 9: Flying, sentient CGI toilet paper a cool effect does not make! Most of the action scenes are campy and goofy as hell. While I don't think that was the intent, it does make you laugh. Salut! Most of the attack scenes involve the actors (and I use the term loosely) wrapping themselves in fly strips "oh no, the mummy's got me, help! Arrrg!"...I kept waiting for Ed Wood to pop up and say "Cut! Print it, it's perfect!"Number 8: Flashbacks that make about as much sense as the flashbacks I'm sure Charles Manson is having over in cell block 6.Number 7, 7 chipmunks, twirlin on a branch on my granpa's ranch, 7!: CGI FX that make 1999's "the Mummy" look like a masterpiece! Anyone with a Pentium and a videotoaster could've done better in many instances. Listen all you low-budget, direct-to-video producers out there...if you don't have the bucks to at least give something a slick exterior, howsabout working on the convoluted script and storyboard a bit? How endearing are fat, ugly people who can't spell their own name?...think about it...ok, DON'T think about it!Number 6: Shelly Duval...ohhhh, POPEYE! Shelly, baby doll, I love ya, but you should've thought about this before you agreed to do it. How embarraskins, ak kakakaka!...Number 5: Muddled dialogue (fitting, seeing as how the direction and script were muddled too) Many of the actors for some reason or another recited their lines through clenched teeth...maybe it's a british theatrical thing "Core blimey, look, SEE?, me teeth ain't crooked, mate!" The audio was so bad that halfway through I kept straining to see if maybe there were subtitles somewhere that I was missing.Number 4: The obligatory toilet scene attack...was this a tribute to "Ghoulies" and a thousand other cheap horror films, or were they just kicking a dead horse in the mouth? (yeah, I know that's not a cliche, but it should be) It made me laugh, but was it supposed to? If it wasn't, EVEN BETTER!Number 3: They killed off Christopher Lee in the first 10 minutes!? What the hell, why? Were they afraid to use a 'real' genre actor? My guess is that Chris read the script and told his agent "Bloody hell, this is horrid, but I'm strapped, so I'll do a few scenes for 50K's"Number 2: The predictability! Except for a couple of suprises, but at that point who could care less? Oh look, the buff single detective is working on a supernatural case with a beatiful , single scientist...I wonder what's going to happen? Oh, look, the mummy's next victim is going into a public bathroom and he's using the linen-roll machine to dry his face, gee, I wonder what's gonna happen? Flying killer mummy bandages aside, I find it very unbelievable that ANYONE would dry their face with a public towel. That's like wearing European speedos to a porno theatre...well, okay, maybe there are people that do THAT! Not this grot, though, no siree (haha, I know some Aussie slang now! Be afraid.) Number 1: Maybe the most important thing, the incredibly lame premise. Jason S. Lee is an American detective in England?..Umm, why exactly is he there? It must've been explained in all of 2 seconds. Shelly Duval is a spiritualist who helps people have out-of-body experiences with a magic crystal? Wha? The script and dialogue were all over the place, like Rip Taylor in a romper room. Sheesh, if Rip Taylor had been in this throwing confetti, then it would've been good! "MuMmy's CuRSe? Woho, thEn PuT SoMe SoAP iN tHeiR MoUths, ho ho! IT's FuNNy!(confetti sprinkles)"This is one of those films that's so humorously bad it'll be a cult classic in 20 years or so, but right now, it's just plain bad. Don't be fooled by the first 20 minutes, it's downhill from there, much like that *other* Mummy movie. Maybe good for a few laughs at a KY2K party, but I can't really recommend it. I'll give props out to Sean Pertwee for being a decent actor, and some gyrations in the direction of Louise Lombard for being downright babe-a-licious and for wearing a sports bra. But the only thing that could've saved this were some boobies, and alas, they never made a cameo. If it'd been called 'Tail of the Mummy', and Louise Lombard and Lysette Anthony had showed some skin, then it would've probably gotten a "Fucking Awesome" rating from me...but this is Hollywoodbitchslap, not Porndoggy's Palace. Pshaw, even 'Reanimator' had some decent gore, a zombie cat, and a few T'n'A shots! But really....Leave this 'Mummy' under its cellophane wrapping.
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